Fear and Forgiveness...Our Adoption Story

Folks... this will be a long one. Grab your (BPA free, that's the "thing" now right?) water bottle, a snack, and settle in.

How does one go about explaining the most life changing event that has ever happened to them? Certainly having explained it now 157ish times doesn't make it easier. I haven't yet learned how to eloquently express all of the minutiae that goes into this whole situation. But I want to scream it from the rooftops. I want everyone to know. And putting it out there like this is both frightening and fulfilling. I need to say it. I need everyone to know.

He's adorable but the sheer happiness on the nurse's face is the best!

Thomas was born on November 24, 2017 at 11:04am. He was 8lbs 2oz. Perfect. Crying. A little bruised but already winning us over with his insanely gorgeous blue eyes. He was the 6th full term baby I'd given birth to. My third biological child. And my second son. Are you confused? I wouldn't blame you.

You see, I placed Thomas for adoption. But did I honor this incredibly brave decision by speaking out about it? No, I hid behind my fear and shame. I told everyone it was a surrogacy. I kept him my beautiful secret. But he is not a secret. He is my adorable son and I want to share him with all of you. I want you all to be able to know adoption can be wonderful. And scary. And hard. And in order to share that I have to face my fears. I have to be vulnerable. And hopefully in that vulnerable state I will erase some of those fears and find forgiveness.

We had lots to talk about...

I want you to know his story. My story. Here it is.

In May of 2017 my dad went in to the hospital. He passed away on June 1st. I thought that was the worst day of my life. He was sick and unfortunately we never got an "official" cause of his death (although hemolytic uremic syndrome is what's on his death certificate). I spent almost every day at the hospital. There was nothing I could do of course but be there for him and my mom. We ate a lot of hospital food or I brought a lot of fast food up there. For a month! It was no wonder that my pants starting fitting a bit more, um, snug. The two weeks after he died I spent at my parent's house with my siblings and kiddos with various friends and family popping in and in a constant state of eating. Whatever. Whenever.

My dad and I

I went back to work on a night shift which is my favorite as there comes a point most nights where it's quiet (sorry ED family- I don't work there anymore so surely I can't jinx it with the "Q" word). You can sit and be still. And I did. Except there was a weird rumbling in my stomach. I dismissed it. Next night same thing- in the quiet I felt a weird rumbling. A familiar rumbling. Could it be? Surely not. Having been pregnant multiple times I knew what those kicks feel like and I couldn't imagine that this was what I was feeling but I grabbed a pregnancy test to be sure and in no time I got those familiar two lines. Pregnant. I was pregnant.

Now having spent the last 10 years of my life trying to get pregnant as a surrogate this normally would have been the point where I was posting in my groups online and shouting for joy! Only I was frozen in shock. But then something made sense- I had been pumping from my last surrogacy all the way through May when I was making less than 10/oz day and finally quit. I just figured it was from pumping for so long and the stress of my dad being sick. In retrospect it was because my body was choosing to focus on growing new life.

My first call was to my best friend. My next call was to the owner of the agency I used the first time I was a surrogate. I already knew I wanted better for Thomas than a single mom. Without even a hesitation I knew- it was not even a conscious decision.

I found out on a Saturday. I called my OB on Monday and got an appointment for Tuesday. When was your last period they asked... um 2016? I was pumping and on the mini pill and hadn't had one in a while. They went ahead and did an ultrasound and there he was. A fully formed boy! So big too- those first surrogacy ultrasounds you see little funny looking gummy bears. This was a clearly identifiable baby! I was taking him all in when they said he was about 17 weeks. 17 weeks! How could I not have known some have asked. Part of the reason I love being a surrogate is that I have amazing complication free pregnancies and this one was no different. No morning sickness to tip me off. No missed periods. No noticeable breast swelling or tenderness because I was already pumping. No signs until he started kicking... making himself known. <3

I told his father the day after my appointment. Wednesday. He was just as shocked as I was. I told him I wanted to plan an adoption for this baby. Our baby. I wanted better for him than an every other weekend dad. I have been single for most of my kids lives and I have seen how hard it's been for them- "Who has me for Christmas?" "I left my homework at dad's!" They are great kids and I'm so proud of them but do I want another child to have to go through that? In the days and weeks to come we would cry and mourn the loss we already felt. What could have been had things been different. Both of us already parents, knowing the love and joy a child brings. Could we do this?

The only way I could cope was to tell myself that this was just like my surrogacies. It had to be. I was bringing the gift of life to a couple who could not do it themselves. Just like a surrogacy. It would be fine, I told myself. I would be fine, I told myself. And so I proceeded with it just like it was a surrogacy. I told my family, my friends, and my children (oh yes, even them- surely I was protecting them right? Right?!) that this was another surrogacy. I treated it like a surrogacy.

And that's why I'm here now. Having to make this post to officially "come out" with my adoption story. I hid under the guise of a surrogacy to protect myself and to protect Thomas. I will always know that what I did for him was what was best in my mind. Had I told people the truth there surely would have been someone who would have talked me out of it. After all, I'm not a 16 year old girl with no job, no place to live, no means... People just wouldn't be able to understand. And I had to protect him. And honestly myself.

Snuggles in April

As we approach his first birthday- and this being Adoption Awareness Month- I have felt increasingly compelled to open up about all of this. I want everyone to know that this beautiful boy is part me. I am so in love with him. I would do anything for him. It's been a rough year. I have only made it through because of my amazing friends and family. There have been tears (so many tears), anger, and frustration. But also happiness and love. I appreciate those of you who have walked through this with me. Who look at the million pictures and videos I send and are so happy to do so.

The sweetest lion I've ever seen!

If you've read this, thank you. Thank you for allowing me to share my story. Thomas's story. Please ask me questions. I'd rather you ask them than assume anything. I'm an open book. I love you all and I hope that by continuing to talk about this that I can practice getting over that fear and find my forgiveness.