Fear and Forgiveness...Our Adoption Story

Folks... this will be a long one. Grab your (BPA free, that's the "thing" now right?) water bottle, a snack, and settle in.

How does one go about explaining the most life changing event that has ever happened to them? Certainly having explained it now 157ish times doesn't make it easier. I haven't yet learned how to eloquently express all of the minutiae that goes into this whole situation. But I want to scream it from the rooftops. I want everyone to know. And putting it out there like this is both frightening and fulfilling. I need to say it. I need everyone to know.

He's adorable but the sheer happiness on the nurse's face is the best!

Thomas was born on November 24, 2017 at 11:04am. He was 8lbs 2oz. Perfect. Crying. A little bruised but already winning us over with his insanely gorgeous blue eyes. He was the 6th full term baby I'd given birth to. My third biological child. And my second son. Are you confused? I wouldn't blame you.

You see, I placed Thomas for adoption. But did I honor this incredibly brave decision by speaking out about it? No, I hid behind my fear and shame. I told everyone it was a surrogacy. I kept him my beautiful secret. But he is not a secret. He is my adorable son and I want to share him with all of you. I want you all to be able to know adoption can be wonderful. And scary. And hard. And in order to share that I have to face my fears. I have to be vulnerable. And hopefully in that vulnerable state I will erase some of those fears and find forgiveness.

We had lots to talk about...

I want you to know his story. My story. Here it is.

In May of 2017 my dad went in to the hospital. He passed away on June 1st. I thought that was the worst day of my life. He was sick and unfortunately we never got an "official" cause of his death (although hemolytic uremic syndrome is what's on his death certificate). I spent almost every day at the hospital. There was nothing I could do of course but be there for him and my mom. We ate a lot of hospital food or I brought a lot of fast food up there. For a month! It was no wonder that my pants starting fitting a bit more, um, snug. The two weeks after he died I spent at my parent's house with my siblings and kiddos with various friends and family popping in and in a constant state of eating. Whatever. Whenever.

My dad and I

I went back to work on a night shift which is my favorite as there comes a point most nights where it's quiet (sorry ED family- I don't work there anymore so surely I can't jinx it with the "Q" word). You can sit and be still. And I did. Except there was a weird rumbling in my stomach. I dismissed it. Next night same thing- in the quiet I felt a weird rumbling. A familiar rumbling. Could it be? Surely not. Having been pregnant multiple times I knew what those kicks feel like and I couldn't imagine that this was what I was feeling but I grabbed a pregnancy test to be sure and in no time I got those familiar two lines. Pregnant. I was pregnant.

Now having spent the last 10 years of my life trying to get pregnant as a surrogate this normally would have been the point where I was posting in my groups online and shouting for joy! Only I was frozen in shock. But then something made sense- I had been pumping from my last surrogacy all the way through May when I was making less than 10/oz day and finally quit. I just figured it was from pumping for so long and the stress of my dad being sick. In retrospect it was because my body was choosing to focus on growing new life.

My first call was to my best friend. My next call was to the owner of the agency I used the first time I was a surrogate. I already knew I wanted better for Thomas than a single mom. Without even a hesitation I knew- it was not even a conscious decision.

I found out on a Saturday. I called my OB on Monday and got an appointment for Tuesday. When was your last period they asked... um 2016? I was pumping and on the mini pill and hadn't had one in a while. They went ahead and did an ultrasound and there he was. A fully formed boy! So big too- those first surrogacy ultrasounds you see little funny looking gummy bears. This was a clearly identifiable baby! I was taking him all in when they said he was about 17 weeks. 17 weeks! How could I not have known some have asked. Part of the reason I love being a surrogate is that I have amazing complication free pregnancies and this one was no different. No morning sickness to tip me off. No missed periods. No noticeable breast swelling or tenderness because I was already pumping. No signs until he started kicking... making himself known. <3

I told his father the day after my appointment. Wednesday. He was just as shocked as I was. I told him I wanted to plan an adoption for this baby. Our baby. I wanted better for him than an every other weekend dad. I have been single for most of my kids lives and I have seen how hard it's been for them- "Who has me for Christmas?" "I left my homework at dad's!" They are great kids and I'm so proud of them but do I want another child to have to go through that? In the days and weeks to come we would cry and mourn the loss we already felt. What could have been had things been different. Both of us already parents, knowing the love and joy a child brings. Could we do this?

The only way I could cope was to tell myself that this was just like my surrogacies. It had to be. I was bringing the gift of life to a couple who could not do it themselves. Just like a surrogacy. It would be fine, I told myself. I would be fine, I told myself. And so I proceeded with it just like it was a surrogacy. I told my family, my friends, and my children (oh yes, even them- surely I was protecting them right? Right?!) that this was another surrogacy. I treated it like a surrogacy.

And that's why I'm here now. Having to make this post to officially "come out" with my adoption story. I hid under the guise of a surrogacy to protect myself and to protect Thomas. I will always know that what I did for him was what was best in my mind. Had I told people the truth there surely would have been someone who would have talked me out of it. After all, I'm not a 16 year old girl with no job, no place to live, no means... People just wouldn't be able to understand. And I had to protect him. And honestly myself.

Snuggles in April

As we approach his first birthday- and this being Adoption Awareness Month- I have felt increasingly compelled to open up about all of this. I want everyone to know that this beautiful boy is part me. I am so in love with him. I would do anything for him. It's been a rough year. I have only made it through because of my amazing friends and family. There have been tears (so many tears), anger, and frustration. But also happiness and love. I appreciate those of you who have walked through this with me. Who look at the million pictures and videos I send and are so happy to do so.

The sweetest lion I've ever seen!

If you've read this, thank you. Thank you for allowing me to share my story. Thomas's story. Please ask me questions. I'd rather you ask them than assume anything. I'm an open book. I love you all and I hope that by continuing to talk about this that I can practice getting over that fear and find my forgiveness.

Easter- a burn, cute kids, and homemade deor!

The kids were actually with their dad on Easter so I had them dress in their Easter finest the Sunday before and took a few pics.  Glad I did- that day was a gorgeous day and on Easter it rained!

I did not go to church on Easter Sunday... and I feel terrible.  But there was no way I was going to be able to sit for 3 hours with the wicked sunburn I got on the back of my legs.  My mom and I laid out on Saturday and I'm not entirely sure how I ended up sunburned but she didn't get a bit.

Isn't this little stand adorable?  I got it at Tori Spelling's store in California.  It is the perfect size for a cupcake... or 3 twine covered Easter eggs :)

With my Easter decorations I found some old plastic eggs and I had seen on another blog that they wrapped them in twine and I loved it so I decided to do the same.  It really gives it a natural feel that goes in great with my living room.  They were easy enough- hot glue, twine, egg.  Even J2 helped make one.  I think they turned out great, although I should mention I had no clue what to do with the tops so they are a little pointed *lol*

Hope you had a great day with your loved ones of Easter and celebrated the many blessings that we have in our lives!

Cupcake-a-what?

Did anyone see the version of Cat in the Hat with Mike Myers?  If so, then you get the title.  If not, then I seriously need you to watch it.  Yes, it's ridiculous. But also wicked funny!  Promise me you'll watch it OK?

I love cupcakes. 

So much so one day my dad came up to my work randomly and brought us a 6 pack of cupcakes.  Yep, just out of the blue.  Because he loves me.  {I think that's why.  He probably wanted me to bring J1 over so they could hang out!}

This store is adorable!

When I was in Pasadena earlier this year, I passed by this adorable cupcake place several times.  After the 4th time I went by I finally decided to go in.

And I wish I hadn't.  Their cupcakes are SINFUL! 

We tried some minis- including a maple bacon one that I bite into somewhat tepidly and was a freaking explosion of flavor in my mouth- and they were outstanding.  Seriously, I've had good cupcakes before.  Like the kind that you drive 45 minutes to Dallas for and pay for one what you could make 24 with... *ahem* Sprinkles.

Sprinkles Cupcakes

These were even better.  I'm not kidding. DROOL

To further prove my cupcake fascination to you, I will tell you- somewhat sheepishly- that I ordered a dozen cupcakes from Georgetown Cupcake, of DC Cupcakes on TLC.  They were well packaged and I was impressed with that but they were not as good as these.  Sorry, they just weren't.  I wanted them to be!  Especially for the price of overnight shipping.

I just went to the Dots Facebook page and was a little stalkerish but it paid off because I saw that now have "Pot of Cupcake" which is a cupcake mini in a jar that you can have sent to you!  I will most definitely be finding out more about this. The one they show is the Fleur de Sel which was my favorite.  And if my friend Kathleen hadn't been there, I might have eaten about 10 of them.

What about you, do you love cupcakes?  What were the best cupcakes you ever ate?

For you, the single mom

I saw this on another blog and thought it was sweet.  I've been a "single" mom for so long, I just consider myself a mom now.  But so much of this is true!

Single Mom
You–the strong woman (even if you don’t always feel like it) that runs her household alone.  <--- Must be said though, that the kiddos sure can help a lot.  Especially the one who is taller than me and can reach the tall stuff ;)
You – the mom who wakes up before everyone else so she’ll have enough time to empty the dishwasher, pack lunches, get ready for work, and get the kids to school without being late.<--- Some days it's a mad dash but we get there!
You – the mom who takes the garbage out and cleans the leaves out of the gutter and fixes the sprinklers when they’re not working.<--- Ok, this might not be me.  It's only my chore to take out the garbage when the kids aren't here.  And if something was wrong with the sprinkler I have so many great friends, neighbors, and of course my dad!
You – the mom who rakes the leaves and gets the oil changed in the car and runs to the grocery store at 9:00 at night so her kids will have milk.<--- But usually with the kids in tow because who is going to leave their kids alone at 9 at night?
You – the mom who stays up late helping with math problems and vocabulary words, even though she’s exhausted.<--- There might be some annoyance involved and a great deal of exasperation but we get all the projects and homework done!
You – the mom who cooks dinner and pulls everyone together for a meal, even though she’s the only adult at the table. <--- This is actually not that bad, especially if my sister comes over {although, she is my third child}
You – the mom who signs the school forms that come home in the backpack,
and who remembers when school pictures are due,
and who walks her kids door-to-door selling fundraising candy around the neighborhood for their sports teams.<--- I may not always remember when things are due until the last second but pictures get bought, fundraisers get sold, and folders are signed... and if I forget my mom works at the school and is always my backup!
You – the mom who goes to bed alone,
and who might get a little scared in a rainstorm,
but who never lets the kids see her fear. <--- This is semi-true,  I might have them come sleep with me so we can all be together!  Thank goodness for a king size bed!
You – the mom who carries the weight
and the responsibility
and the joy
of being a parent
with pride and determination
and perseverance.
You – the mom who is showing her kids how to be strong,
simply by being there for them,
simply by loving them,
simply by being a mom they know they can always count on.
You – the one who is making a difference
day by day,
hour by hour,
moment by moment,
second by second.
You.
The single mom.
The good mom.

This was so sweet and much needed today!  I worry for my kids so much and I always wonder if I'm doing the right thing by them.  It's nice to be reassured every once in a while, even if it is from a stranger...

Weekend wrap up... and a TV appearance!

OK, so it wasn't a TV appearance for me but someone I knew.  :)  Got your attention though right?

~Does anyone else watch Jersey Couture?  It took me a minute to get into the show because the two sisters and the mom and all their obnoxious yelling was quite annoying. But as I came to accept that it was just the Jersey persona, I grew to like the show.  Imagine my surprise when I was watching this last episode and there's a mom and daughter from West Virginia on there- and I know them!  How the heck do I know anyone in West Virginia!?  It turns out this girl, Natalie, was my Mary Kay lady when I was newly married with an infant.  We bonded because she was young and had a young daughter, too.  When she eventually moved on with her life she sent me to her aunt Kim, who has been my MK lady ever since.  I haven't been a good MK customer these last few years but every time I talk to Kim I ask about Natalie. What a fun surprise!

~While at Target this weekend we found Tasty Kakes.  THIS IS A BIG DEAL!!  They are an East coast delicious pastry company.  Or maybe it's just because we don't have them down here that we have thought they were so tasty.  Anywho, whenever I go to see my grandma I always make sure to pick up a few to bring home to my dad {and of course, some for myself!} I had heard that Tasty Kakes were down here and the last time I was at Target I saw some of the Krumpets but nothing that I got too excited about.  So imagine my surprise when my mom started freaking out because they had... wait for it... LEMON PIES!  These are our favorite! I only bought 2 and it's taking everything I have to NOT eat the second one today.

~Also while at Target I found white chocolate M&M's!  I love white chocolate so this was huge.  Again, trying to NOT eat more than a few of these.

~Are you guys watching Celebrity Apprentice?  The girls are making it really hard to root for them.  I love Lisa Lampanelli.  Teresa Guidice has not done a THING, I am super upset that she's still there. Aubrey, while SUPER obnoxious, does have good ideas and is playing the game... hard. And Dayana, whoever she is, needs to go once and for all.

This weekend has flown by!  Hope you all had a great weekend!

How does your garden grow? Year 2....

Our garden idea last year was creative. I talked about it HERE  and HERE.  It worked- for a bit.  I just don't think there was enough depth to sustain the plants and we also planted a little on the late side and the brutal Texas heat snuck up on us pretty quickly.

This year we weren't going to take any chances!  We enlisted the help of some dear church friends who happen to be amazing gardeners AND had a tiller AND a willing heart to help serve!  They brought over their cute grandkids to help too- the more the merrier!

Piter and N working hard!

J1 turning the soil.

You'll notice my sweet little girl is noticeably absent in many of the "hard working" pics... she was attending a Ladybug Luncheon at church for girls 8-11, so we'll forgive her.

It was determined that the soil was too wet {you just will NOT hear that very often in Texas!} so we let it dry out for a few days before Piter came back over to till a few more times.

Piter instructing J1 on what the purpose of turning the soil is.  This man is a SAINT!

Finally, we got to where we were ready to plant!

 

Aren't we cute?

We enlisted the help of a few more people {namely, my poor sister with whom we are trying to soak up as much time as we can before she leaves in May, and my niece} and got out our supplies.

We did a mixture of seeds and plants.

While I was making a game plan and trying to figure out what needed to go where I found out that onions are a good pest deterrent when planted next to carrots and lettuce!  I arranged it so that this happened and probably planted more onions than I'll ever use or want but hey, we are really excited about those darn carrots, OK?  And while I was working hard so were the kids....

Soccer!  Not sure how the smallest two ended up being the goalies but hey, they were having fun!

I let everyone pick out what they wanted to plant and we had at. We did cucumbers {plants and seeds}, tomato plants, carrot seeds, lettuce seeds, onion seeds, pumpkin seeds, squash plants, and cantaloupe {plants and seeds}.  I'm really hoping the cucumbers grow well because I'd like to make homemade pickles!

J2 wanted to plant the carrots.  It took all 3 of them apparently. :)

Pretty sure they were over it.  Plus it was hot yesterday.  And it's not even April!

We had 811 come out to search for lines before we dug, because we're good citizens like that- OK and because my friend Heidi said to!- and they left a ton of flags so we used those as markers as to what is where in the garden.  I also made a "map" on paper but in case that gets lost {and for real I don't know if you live in a house where things disappear, but it happens. A LOT.}

Watering everything all in!

We're hoping to not have to endure too many learning curves and that our plants will grow and thrive under our watchful care.  We also hope that we will maintain watchful care! ;) I promise to keep you all apprised- if we grow something edible you WILL hear about it!

Nocturnal Naughtiness! {don't be scared...}

So lately I seem to be falling asleep as soon as the kids go to bed... which means clothes aren't getting folded, shows aren't being watched {hello, I've tried to watch the finale of Alcatraz like 6 times now!}, basically things just aren't getting done.

But the other night, for whatever reason, I couldn't sleep.  No problem as I was able to catch up on a few shoes and surf Pinterest- I swear I found the end of it. No really!  But with late night web surfing on Pinterest comes late night shopping.  And because it's the middle of the night apparently you lack self control and common sense.

You do find deals though!  And random fun places you never would have found otherwise!

Like this website GO FAVOR Cute cute costume jewelry for CHEAP!  And shipping is free if you spend $15 {and I dare you to spend less than $15}. I found this adorable camera ring

that I previously  pinned on Pinterest- but wasn't the reason I clicked on the link to that site!

Also while on Pinterest I came across a cute outfit that of course linked me to Polyvore- random aside on that, could they please make a Polyvore with only Target, Old Navy, H&M, etc items?  Most of the time the cute outfits I see I could probably only afford the the buttons on the shirt!- and of course I clicked on one of the items which lead me to another site that was awesome!

TILLY'S is kind of a teen site I think but I found a ton of jewelry that I liked and it was almost all buy one get one half off!  Including this amazing bracelet

which admittedly may not be most people's style but living in the South you know we live by the motto, "The bigger the better".  Or is it, "Everything is bigger in Texas"?  Or, "Go big or go home?" Irregardless, they have some cute stuff.

I suppose the moral of this story is to just go to bed and not stay up so late because bad things do happen!!

What are your favorite new sites?